by Charles E. Moore
this is the first of essays based on the theme of our upcoming gathering in October.
Relationships breed conflict. Fleeing conflict, therefore, is not an answer. Nor is fighting it head-on as one would in a war. Instead of avoiding conflict, or sinfully escalating its damages, Christ shows us how to follow him through it. In Christ, conflict can be transformed; it can be an occasion for growth and an opportunity to experience a more authentic communion with others. Conflict is a school in which love can be tested and refined, where we learn to forgive and be forgiven, and where the illusions we have of ourselves can come into the light and be transformed.
Conflict is a school in which love can be tested and refined, where we learn to forgive and be forgiven…
A number of years ago my wife and I were overseeing a fledgling community in Albany, NY. Living quarters were tight, the tasks endless, and personalities of some twenty individuals differed widely. I kept butting heads with a particular brother, James, who was several years older than me. Our conflicts mostly revolved around practical matters. One day I blew up. James simply didn’t do what we had agreed to regarding the fencing project in our backyard. I had had enough. But instead of allowing walls to forever stand between us, we committed ourselves to working things through. We were bound to make good our pledge of making Christ’s honor more important than being in the right.
In the process of working things through, I saw anew how my need for control was not only unhealthy but stood in the way of true camaraderie. James shared how much he suffered under a fear of authority and how he didn’t want that fear to be an obstacle to our life together. Because of our conflict with each other we found each other, and the wall that was being erected between us came tumbling down.
When we avoid conflict or when we avoid those who become a source of pain, we forgo the kind of community that helps us change. By selectively distancing ourselves from others, by always keeping our relational options open and fluid, we perpetuate the lie that conflict is evil and never worth working through. But by embracing conflict we can learn to get outside of ourselves and recognize the co-humanity and wounds of the other. We learn that the brokenness that exists in others also resides in us, and that Christ can heal the pain we all share.
…by embracing conflict we can learn to get outside of ourselves and recognize the co-humanity and wounds of the other.
Of course, conflict by itself is not redemptive. This depends on having a common understanding and a mutual commitment to becoming more like Christ. Relationships in Christ demand that Christ is at the center. Conflict is like fire: it can purify or it can destroy. Whether is purifies or destroys depends on how seriously we take Jesus’ word: “First go and be reconciled to your brother or sister; then come and offer your gift on the altar.” “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and show them their fault, just between the two of you…” “In your anger do not sin… Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
Christ is able to mend that which keeps us apart.
As sisters and brothers in Christ, we are called to a way that transcends the typical responses of flight or fight. Christ’s way is the hard way of mutual correction, of going directly to each other in humility and love, of turning to others for help. This is what life together is all about. Christ is able to mend that which keeps us apart. When we place his Cross, where Christ’s body is broken, above our hurt feelings and inadequacies, not to mention our stubborn egos, conflict can burn up the offal hiding in the nooks and crannies of our lives. We can experience the Wounded Healer himself who meets us in the pain and fears of our brother and sister. We can come to experience conflict as a companion, yes, even a blessing.
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