Escape from Loneliness?

By Charles E. Moore

If we are living in an age of isolation, as many now claim we are, it’s important to realize that community is not an antidote to loneliness. In fact, from my experience, my struggle with loneliness is often exacerbated in community. Being in the presence of others, oddly enough, can remind me of how alone I feel.

In his classic, Escape from Loneliness, Paul Tournier writes, “The hermit in his hut can be in communion with humankind whereas the believer in church, anxious to be sincere, can be spiritually alone.”

The point Tournier is trying to make is echoed, albeit in a different way, by Bonhoeffer in his book, Life Together. Bonhoeffer writes, “Let him who cannot be alone beware of community.” Why? Because,
“Community without solitude plunges us into the void of words and feelings.” Without solitude, we can never be. Granted, solitude without community can lead to utter loneliness and despair, and we see this in epidemic proportions everywhere today. In the end, Bonhoeffer writes, “Solitude and community belong together; each requires the other as do the center and circumference of a circle.”

______________________________________________________________

“Those who want community without solitude plunge into the void of words and feelings, and those who seek solitude without community perish in the bottomless pit of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair.”    – Dietrich Bonhoeffer in Life Together

______________________________________________________________

This means that the opposite of loneliness is not community. In fact, intentional community is dangerous for anyone who does not know how to be alone. Trying to find rest for our souls merely in the company of others is like trying to satisfy our thirst because it is raining outside. We are mistaken if we think that human company, as good as it may be, can take away what only Christ can carry—our estrangement. Human companionship can never fill the void of not being known. Divine communion, not human connection, is the antidote to our cosmic loneliness.

And yet, herein lies a paradox: Divine communion comes to us through our brother and sister. Jesus says, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name there am I in your midst.” Our sense of isolation is overcome only when Christ the reconciler is in our midst, only when the One who knows us through and through, brings us together. As Bonhoeffer puts it, “Jesus alone stands between the lover and the other he loves.” Human fellowship is never enough; it always disappoints; it never fills the void. Human love leaves us and our human condition unchanged. In Christ, however, something eternal, something lasting, something complete is given that heals our lonely hearts.

Sharing life together is indeed a blessing. We can support each other in ways that go beyond having our temporal needs met. But sharing life together can also aggravate what is most broken inside us: our estrangement from God and all that follows: mistrust, fear of the other, our incessant need for approval, our obsession with ourselves. This is why community itself is no panacea against loneliness. Unless Jesus is in our midst, unless he unites us, we are incapable of communing with one another heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul. “We proclaim to you,” writes the beloved disciple John, “what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ” (1 John 1:3).

______________________________________________________________

Community itself is no panacea against loneliness. Unless Jesus is in our midst, unless he unites us together, we are incapable of uniting heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul.

______________________________________________________________

In the Book of Acts we read how Peter and John were at the temple when a man, lame from birth, was carried to the gate called Beautiful. Every day he begged from those going into the temple, even asking Peter and John for money. But Peter looked straight at him. And said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth walk.” And taking the man by the right hand, he helped him up, “and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong.” (Acts 3:1-12).

God knows how much we are starving for human connection. In so many ways we have become socially lame, left alone begging for substitutes. If we are not careful, one of those substitutes may be human community. Augustine reminds us, “Our souls are restless until they find rest in Thee.” Human connection, the human touch, the presence of others: each of them are good, but our loneliness tells us that we ache for more. What we need most is to be touched by the healing presence of God. It is this touch, and this touch in our midst, that actually binds us together and transforms our loneliness into love. And that, in the end, is what answers our deepest need.

Context:

Healthy Communities in an Epidemic of Loneliness  is the theme of the international gathering of Nurturing Communities Network, October 11 – 14, 2024 in Kentucky.

Charles E Moore is a member of the Bruderhof, and has served on the NCN Steering committee in past years, since its origin. Charles & Leslie currently live at Durham Bruderhof House in North Carolina.